Tuesday, March 09, 2010

I write therefore I am...

Today, I am writing as if it is for my life, like someone who might be exercising to keep themselves alive after they have been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I have a terminal illness it’s not a physical one but a mental one, it called fear and procrastination, lack of faith.

My concern is not doing what I need to do before it becomes too late! I have to question – am I just a complete failure? I scream YES because how would I get myself into this situation in the first place, yet again? But then again, how did I get this far if I was a complete failure? I guess having three women loving me enough to marry me is a compliment rather than I have three failed marriages. Or, maybe I can like Alexander Graham Bell and say I did not fail three times, I simply found three relationships that did not work. Regardless of my situation, I have something to say, I have the ability to say it, yet I let each day go by with the thanks it is over. Yet, then I fear sleep even though I long for it, the warm comfort of the bed the sweetness of my dreams, I know I will awake tomorrow with the same cancer I had yesterday.

The difference between me and terminal cancer, I can cause terminal cancer to withdraw, go into submission and cure myself just by doing what I need to do. In fact, every word I write here is one word towards my cure.

So what is wrong with me I cry. And even my family and friends condemn me for my cancer, but to me it is no difference than being confronted with a deadly situation, the mind and body freeze, thus I am the deer in the head lights.

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